It has occurred to me that my last post may have been a little too hard on myself.

I am certainly feeling better today. I found a new band I love... yey!
Evans blue, downloaded the album and currently enjoying.

Okay, so I feel it's time for a really honest post. I am feeling really out of sorts as of recently and I think its time to put it down, which usually seems to help. I am such an unbelievalbe fuck up to myself sometimes. It is like I have this self destructive tendency that wont go away. Why the fuck cant I just be happy?

Lately I have been doing a lot of internet googling. You know, facebook, myspace, etc. I have found some old friends and its making me a little melancholy for my youth. Not that I had such a great time with any of these people, I guess I just miss being young and carefree with lots of friends and no responsibilities. Nobody ever tells you that bieng sucessful financially is sort of like a prison. All I ever do is work work work. Yes I have money; I am very financially comfortable for the first time in my life, but I have no personal freedom. I sit alone in an office 10 hours a day, and when the day is over I have no friends to call up or hang out with. I have literally put myself in this situation. Don't get me wrong. I do love my job/business and DO NOT WANT to lose it. It really means everything to me. However, that bieng said...I am wondering a lot about the "what if's".

So, before I met Eli, there were literally only two guys in the history of my life that I really was into. Like REALLY into. I found one of them on myspace the the other day. To be honest, he was not all that great looking anymore. He was hit with what I call the "tucson curse". I have to say that it make me feel a little better finding out about this. If he was still smokin hot and living the life It may be hard to deal with. The fact that nobody seems to be immune to this curse does help me rationalize my choices in life a bit better. I should be glad I got out, which I am.

I got so drunk this weekend that I fucking FELL outside while smoking and fucking BURNED my arm!! badly!! I am probably going to have a scar and I am totally depressed about it. WTF??!!!
I need to fucking open my eyes and see what is going on here. Why do I do this to myself? Am I drinking because it is in my genes, or is it in my head, or BOTH? I need to get a grip and figure this shit out before it is too late. I am still young (relativly), I still have my looks (i hope so), and my brain is still producing serotonin (right?), so lets GET IT TOGETHER ALREADY.

I have been listening to a lot of heavy music lately, which is not typicall for me. It's really the kind of music I was listening to when I was 17-18. Again, trying to be young. I don't think there is anything wrong with this, it actually makes me feel kinda good, so I am going to embrase it.

Okay, I feel better already....

My new favorite movie. OMG GREAT fucking movie. Dare I say this may be better than Twilight? Jesse McCartney....

So it is that time of year again...Halloween. This is my favorite time of year. Last year was a blast; we dressed up in great costumes, went to a party with T & A and overall had a great time. I really wish we were doing that again this year, or even better having a party since we have a HOUSE, but noooooooo.

I guess were doing the family thing, which is fine. Haunted house tonight, pumkin carving tomarrow, scary movies, trick r treaters. I did get to decorate so Yay!

This week:

4 day vacation to SoCal
Venice Beach
Colored hair (bottom half brown)
New converse
Business meeting with potential client
Did something really crazy that i cant even say

"The Mixed Tape"

This is morning
That's when I spend the most time
Thinking 'bout what I've given up
This is a warning
When you start the day just to close the curtains
You're thinking 'bout what I've given up

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo
I'm writing you a symphony of sound
Where are you now?
As I rearrange the songs again
This mix could burn a hole in anyone
But it was you I was thinking of

I read your letter
The one you left when you broke into my house
Retracing every step you made
And you said you meant it
And there's a piece of me in every single
Second of every single day
But if it's true then tell me how it got this way

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo
I'm writing you a symphony of sound
Where are you now?
As I rearrange the songs again
This mix could burn a hole in anyone
But it was you I was thinking of

And I can't get to you
I can't get to you
I can't get to you (you, you)

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo
I conduct a symphony of sound
Where are you now?
As I'm cutting through you track by track
I swear to God this mix could sink the sun
But it was you I was thinking of

And where are you now?
And where are you now?

And this is my mixed tape for her
It's like I wrote every note
With my own fingers

-Jack's Mannequin

In three days it will be two years since I started this journal. There appears to be only three things in my life that are the same as back then;
(generally)

Eli
Bobee
specific music i still listen to regularly

i just went thru my "interests" list and removed a bunch of shit. added some new stuff too.

Eli's in vegas this weekend for todd's bachelor party and i had to spend the night alone in this big house. I was totally freaked out. i kept thinking the sliding glass door in the kitchen was being opened. I hate that feeling more than anything!

Yeah it’s the 4th of July!!! This is my first official holiday living in a house. I cannot believe that it has actually been almost six months since my last post. So much has changed.
We are finally making some real shit happen in our lives and it feels great. I'm 30, living in suburbia (finally), enjoying my own pool and pool table, successful business, I’m very tan and very blonde again. Ohhh...and Big Brother starts again on Thursday. This is going to be a very cool summer I predict. :)



(Laughlin - a great trip)