"sunlitandascending"

casey79 @ 2009-11-04T15:44:00

2009-11-04T22:47:12Z

It has occurred to me that my last post may have been a little too hard on myself.

I am certainly feeling better today. I found a new band I love... yey!
Evans blue, downloaded the album and currently enjoying.

casey79 @ 2009-11-02T07:15:00

2009-11-02T14:37:19Z

Okay, so I feel it's time for a really honest post. I am feeling really out of sorts as of recently and I think its time to put it down, which usually seems to help. I am such an unbelievalbe fuck up to myself sometimes. It is like I have this self destructive tendency that wont go away. Why the fuck cant I just be happy?

Lately I have been doing a lot of internet googling. You know, facebook, myspace, etc. I have found some old friends and its making me a little melancholy for my youth. Not that I had such a great time with any of these people, I guess I just miss being young and carefree with lots of friends and no responsibilities. Nobody ever tells you that bieng sucessful financially is sort of like a prison. All I ever do is work work work. Yes I have money; I am very financially comfortable for the first time in my life, but I have no personal freedom. I sit alone in an office 10 hours a day, and when the day is over I have no friends to call up or hang out with. I have literally put myself in this situation. Don't get me wrong. I do love my job/business and DO NOT WANT to lose it. It really means everything to me. However, that bieng said...I am wondering a lot about the "what if's".

So, before I met Eli, there were literally only two guys in the history of my life that I really was into. Like REALLY into. I found one of them on myspace the the other day. To be honest, he was not all that great looking anymore. He was hit with what I call the "tucson curse". I have to say that it make me feel a little better finding out about this. If he was still smokin hot and living the life It may be hard to deal with. The fact that nobody seems to be immune to this curse does help me rationalize my choices in life a bit better. I should be glad I got out, which I am.

I got so drunk this weekend that I fucking FELL outside while smoking and fucking BURNED my arm!! badly!! I am probably going to have a scar and I am totally depressed about it. WTF??!!!
I need to fucking open my eyes and see what is going on here. Why do I do this to myself? Am I drinking because it is in my genes, or is it in my head, or BOTH? I need to get a grip and figure this shit out before it is too late. I am still young (relativly), I still have my looks (i hope so), and my brain is still producing serotonin (right?), so lets GET IT TOGETHER ALREADY.

I have been listening to a lot of heavy music lately, which is not typicall for me. It's really the kind of music I was listening to when I was 17-18. Again, trying to be young. I don't think there is anything wrong with this, it actually makes me feel kinda good, so I am going to embrase it.

Okay, I feel better already....

Halloween time

2009-10-30T15:11:18Z

So it is that time of year again...Halloween. This is my favorite time of year. Last year was a blast; we dressed up in great costumes, went to a party with T & A and overall had a great time. I really wish we were doing that again this year, or even better having a party since we have a HOUSE, but noooooooo.

I guess were doing the family thing, which is fine. Haunted house tonight, pumkin carving tomarrow, scary movies, trick r treaters. I did get to decorate so Yay!

casey79 @ 2009-10-07T21:08:00

2009-10-08T04:12:37Z

This week:

4 day vacation to SoCal
Venice Beach
Colored hair (bottom half brown)
New converse
Business meeting with potential client
Did something really crazy that i cant even say

Eli's Entry

2009-09-16T04:13:33Z

Tonight as it is seems i have to leave it, I love my girl and i see her and she doesn't expect much :P
But I will persist...If i had to start my honey's journal i would say 2 things...don't sleep and don't turn your back, she's a wild one.
sex and suckers rule tonight.we welcome all virgins.

great fucking song

2009-09-06T19:07:13Z

"The Mixed Tape"

This is morning
That's when I spend the most time
Thinking 'bout what I've given up
This is a warning
When you start the day just to close the curtains
You're thinking 'bout what I've given up

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo
I'm writing you a symphony of sound
Where are you now?
As I rearrange the songs again
This mix could burn a hole in anyone
But it was you I was thinking of

I read your letter
The one you left when you broke into my house
Retracing every step you made
And you said you meant it
And there's a piece of me in every single
Second of every single day
But if it's true then tell me how it got this way

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo
I'm writing you a symphony of sound
Where are you now?
As I rearrange the songs again
This mix could burn a hole in anyone
But it was you I was thinking of

And I can't get to you
I can't get to you
I can't get to you (you, you)

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo
I conduct a symphony of sound
Where are you now?
As I'm cutting through you track by track
I swear to God this mix could sink the sun
But it was you I was thinking of

And where are you now?
And where are you now?

And this is my mixed tape for her
It's like I wrote every note
With my own fingers

-Jack's Mannequin

2 years

2009-09-06T18:04:57Z

In three days it will be two years since I started this journal. There appears to be only three things in my life that are the same as back then;
(generally)

Eli
Bobee
specific music i still listen to regularly

i just went thru my "interests" list and removed a bunch of shit. added some new stuff too.

Eli's in vegas this weekend for todd's bachelor party and i had to spend the night alone in this big house. I was totally freaked out. i kept thinking the sliding glass door in the kitchen was being opened. I hate that feeling more than anything!

casey79 @ 2009-08-21T09:23:00

2009-08-21T17:04:23Z

Today is one of those rare days that I feel GREAT. Not to say that I don’t feel good-or great everyday, but today is…different. I’d like to think that I am generally a pretty happy, upbeat person and for the most part I am usually in a great mood. However, every once in a while you have one of those days were you are unusually upbeat and optimistic. I related this feeling to the first day of spring when it’s warm out or a Saturday morning when you have plans to go to the lake. I want to remind myself of this feeling so that I can try to be healthy physically and mentally in the future. How great would it be to feel this way everyday?

I feel really lucky with the state of my life right now. I think I am truly the happiest that I have ever been. I am 30 (a really cool age), have a growing and successful business, a great relationship with someone that I am in love with, I’m healthy, and I have a lot a room to grow and all the tools that I need to make it happen. It is about time for all this. I feel like the last 10 years have been pretty tumultuous. I’m not complaining…I have had a great life. But, I have always felt that I was missing out on something significant and have always felt this constant nagging to do something about it. For the first time ever in my life, I kinda feel like I am standing right where I want to be. I don’t need to run away to California or Seattle or Costa Rica, I don’t need a baby, and I don’t need to be single, or any of the other ridiculous notions I have had in my mind before.

What I do need is to love myself and my life and to remain optimistic and positive every minute of every day.

4th of July

2009-07-04T15:02:15Z

Yeah it’s the 4th of July!!! This is my first official holiday living in a house. I cannot believe that it has actually been almost six months since my last post. So much has changed.
We are finally making some real shit happen in our lives and it feels great. I'm 30, living in suburbia (finally), enjoying my own pool and pool table, successful business, I’m very tan and very blonde again. Ohhh...and Big Brother starts again on Thursday. This is going to be a very cool summer I predict. :)

(Laughlin - a great trip)

casey79 @ 2009-01-31T08:28:00

2009-01-31T15:57:23Z

Well it is day 3 of my visit to Colorado and I miss just about everything from home. This place is really wierd. I mean, it is beautiful, but kinda wierd. I guess this would be a great place to live if you were young and single. I swear I have not seen anyone over the age of 32 and 4 out of 5 people are some kind of military.

I am really really bored and there is nothing to do. I miss my man and my dog. I tried to dye my hair blonde yesterday (myself of course) and it did nothing at all. What a fucking waste of money that was. I was hoping to be able to come home blonde agian to make my man happy. I could try again but I don't want my hair to fall out.

So it turns out when I scheduled my flight home, it was on super bowl sunday, flight taking place DURING super bowl. WYF??!! What was I thinking. I just want to go home really early tomorrow morning and have my sunday at home. The whole time I have been here my mom has been making this riciculous beef jerky and the whole apartment smells like gross beef. I really cant take it. I tried to reschedule my flight and cheaptickets wants to charge me $150.00!! The ticket only cost $180.00. This sucks.

casey79 @ 2009-01-23T10:36:00

2009-01-23T17:37:25Z

Brunette for not much longer.....

casey79 @ 2009-01-20T08:47:00

2009-01-20T15:57:31Z

I have become very self indulgent as of recently. more than usual. anyways.

We have been spending tons of money on eating out. literally, every meal is costing like $30.00 or more. I tried teaching myself to cook recently. I made 2 meals. They were both soooo bad. Turkey enchalada's and spagetti with italian sausage. Poor Eli.

I am happy to continuing in my reading. I read "the host" and currently i have 4 books on hold at the library. hair is still brown. trying to find some new music and get back into that, which was a huge passion for me at one point. I am really feeling the fray right now and muse as well. I hate pandora for always trying to play radiohead. wtf?

My jeep needs an oil change and a good washing. i need new clothes and a tan. and blonde highlights. i need to start writing...anything. what else? i need a passport. i need to figure out some tech support shit for my business. i need to file my taxes...yuk. i need a fucking vacation!!! oh yeah....in 9 days i fly to Colorado Springs to see mom. I need a REAL vacation. Vegas or six flags. writing this stuff down makes me feel better. i need to do some work. right now.

Things are about to change...i can feel it.

2009-01-03T22:51:21Z

SO THIS IS MY NEWEST OBSESSION...TWILIGHT. I JUST SPEND THE LAST WEEK READING THE WHOLE SERIES. I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THE BOOKS. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT I AM DONE READING THEM SO WHAT DO I DO WITH MYSELF NOW??!! I NEED TO SEE THE MOVIE AGAIN JUST TO GET MY LAST FIX. SERIOUSLY THOUGH...THOSE BOOKS ARE KINDA FUCKING WITH MY HEAD A LITTLE. I MEAN, HOW DOES REAL LIFE STACK UP AGAINST SOMETHING LIKE THAT. TRUE LOVE, IMMORTALITY, ETERNAL YOUTH. I BEGAN TO FEEL LIKE KILLING MYSELF OUT OF DEPRESSION BECAUSE I HAD SIMPLY REACHED THE OLD AGE OF 29 ALREADY. AND ANY REAL LIFE RELATIONSHIP CANNOT COMPARE TO WHAT THESE BOOKS CREATE IN TERMS OF TRUE OBSESSIVE LOVE. IM KINDA GLAD IM DONE WITH THE WHOLE THING. BACK TO REALITY SO TO SPEAK.

DRUM ROLL..............

I FINALY DYED MY HAIR BROWN!!! YES! I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR THIS. (DID I WANT TO BE BELLA??) ANYWAYS...I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO IT AND I DID IT AND I AM SO HAPPY. NOT BECAUSE IT LOOKS GREAT. I DOES NOT. HOWEVER, I AM LIVING A LITTLE AND I WOULD RATHER HAVE DONE IT AND HATED IT THAN NEVER HAVE DONE IT AND REGRETTED IT. THE ONLY MISTAKE WAS THAT I CHOSE A DARK SHADE OF BROWN WITH REALLY RED TONES. ALMOST A REDHEAD I AM NOW. I SHOULD HAVE STUCK WITH LIGHT BROWN, BUT OH FREAKIN WELL. I WILL KEEP IT FOR AWHILE JUST TO BE DIFFERENT.

SO WE HAVE NOT HEARD FROM TODD AND AMBER SINCE BEFORE CHRISTMAS. I FEAR THERE IS HAS BEEN SOME DAMAGE DONE TO THIS RELATIONSHIP. IS A SO CALLED BREAK-UP INEVITABLE WHEN YOU TAKE FRIENDSHIPS TO WHERE OURS HAS GONE?? OR ARE THEY JUST OUT OF TOWN?

MOM IS PUSHING FOR A VISIT. 'NUFF SAID ABOUT THAT.

ON A NEW CLEANSE. LETS SEE IF WE CAN MAKE IT THOUGH THE DAMN THING.

I SHOULD TAKE A CREATIVE WRITING COURSE AND TRY TO WRITE A BOOK. I WOULD LOVE TO TAP INTO THIS PART OF MY BRAIN THAT WAS SO RELEVANT IN MY YOUTH. DO I STILL HAVE IT? DID I EVER HAVE IT?

casey79 @ 2008-12-21T08:51:00

2008-12-21T16:06:18Z

December 21st...it's officially the first day of winter today! It's also 4 day's until Christmas and I still have a ton of shopping to do. I must say that this year Christmas actually feels like Christmas. I really can't remember the last Christmas that I really had a chance to just enjoy the holidays and not dread them. For starters my mother now lives in Colorado so I do not have to feel obligated to visit her, or guilty for not. Really that is 90% of my stress about the holidays gone. And I am no longer going to try to make myself feel bad about feeling this way. It is just the way it its and that is that...I actually have money for presents!!! That is the other 10% of my stress gone.

So I guess it is time for New Years Resolutions. Let's see, I am not sure if I have resolutions, but maybe some goals.

1.) Passport (finally!)
2.) Take a trip anywhere out of the country
3.) Sign 2 new clients
4.) Buy a house
5.) Work out more.....I have been so lazy the last 6 months it is ridiculous
6.) Read more...this one is left over from last year. I didn't follow thru. However, I have the whole twilight series reserved at the library.

casey79 @ 2008-10-30T11:11:00

2008-10-30T18:19:27Z

Most def time for a post. Where to start? Life is absolutely strange and beautiful right now. I just signed my first contract and am now for the first time ever, I am completely self employed. It is so surreal being able to just do what you want, when you want. It is weird because I have been wanting this for so long and now it is here, but it is kinda scary at the same time. How amazing is it when you can create success for yourself? Everybody has the option to be anything or anyone they want, but most people dont realize this. I have to find a way to remind myself of this everyday so that I continue to create wealth, happyness, health, love, etc.....

1 day until Halloween...no costume and no plans. I wish I had some. Next year for sure.

casey79 @ 2008-09-11T08:28:00

2008-09-11T15:32:56Z

Today was the first day the weather was cool in the morning when i walked Bobee. I remember writing a simular post last year around this time and bieng happy because fall was almost here. I am equally as happy today as I was that day.

It's time to re-visit some things from last fall that were making me happy.

Today I am going to listen to caseysupermix pandora radio. I miss the Appleseed Cast.

:)

casey79 @ 2008-08-14T10:45:00

2008-08-14T17:54:17Z

With my Business

A passport

Anywhere the passport will take me

casey79 @ 2008-08-14T10:19:00

2008-08-14T17:26:00Z

Thursday August 14, 2008

Waiting for loan approval
$700.33 in the bank
Waiting for bridesmaid dress
New blonde hightlights that i did myself
Need plane ticket for next month from colorado to home (maybe)
Working
Thinking it's time for a new wish list

casey79 @ 2008-08-08T08:11:00

2008-08-08T15:25:52Z

I wrote an entry yesterday then I went back and erased it. I erased it because it was just a dumb meaningless entry that I feel like I wrote for other people. Even though I know that no other person reads this journal. So I am forced to ask myself "why do you keep this journal". In the beginning I did it just for fun really, then my life temporarily turned to shit and it became sort of therapeutic to write things down that no one could see but me. (At least no one that I know personally). I do not want this journal to be like a stupid blog or a "life update" for other people to read. I also don't want it to be a really personal diary either. I guess I just want to be able to look back and see my own personal growth. You quickly forget things that happen to you in life or how you felt about them. I want to be able look back to 6 months ago or a year or even three years and see where I was in life and what I was enjoying, loving, hating, etc.

My life has been very different in the last six weeks. I am slowly adapting to being home all the time. I do love it, but I must admit at times I do feel a little sheltered. There is so much going on out in the world, and I just sit in my home office day after day. I have also found that I am drinking more. No excuses (I am the queen of excuses in that department). I just is what it is. Probably boredom. I think I need a hobby or something. Something to get me out of the house, maybe exercising. Let me think on it a bit...

casey79 @ 2008-06-26T12:41:00

2008-06-26T19:46:24Z

It is pretty amazing to me how almost every aspect of my life has changed in a few short months. After 3+ years, I am finally in a new living space, and it is GREAT. Love Love Love the new apartment. Both jobs are in full swing (4 weeks under my belt), an it's a breeze. Why was I so worried? I am going to work on not every worrying about anything ever again for any reason.

Be Happy

2008-05-23T15:14:53Z

"Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important"

Fast

2008-05-22T13:28:23Z

My stomache is all tied in knots right now. I really wish i could think of some song lyrics to describe how im feeling.

New job
Old job
New Apartment
Eli
Sobriety
Money
?
?
?
?

casey79 @ 2008-05-18T19:33:00

2008-05-19T02:54:32Z

Wow. I got the job. How cool. Somebody is actually going to let me work from home! I cannot beleive that my days of working in an office are over. I have wanted to work from home for so long, that now that i can, I'm almost nervous. It's a really wierd feeling because you never realize how emotionally attached you may be to something until its come to an end. I am actually a little wierded out about quitting my job. It seems crazy to quit a secure, comfortable, good paying job with a GREAT boss. I hope I am making the right decision. I am a little scared, and that's OK to admit. I heard a quote once that currently comes to mind.

"Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile... initially scared me to death"

Isn't that the truth? Wow, i feel better already.

I took a picture just now of the Sunset because it was goergous and I wanted to capture the moment forever...

I also took some pretty damn cute pics of Bobee today that I would like to immortalize here as well.

casey79 @ 2008-05-16T08:33:00

2008-05-16T16:29:25Z

Wow. My last entry was about California. Life is such a trip.

Needless to say California is not my biggest priority right now. I had a 29th birthday a few weeks ago and ever since then my life has been turned upside down, but in a good way. I am seeing possibilities in life all over. I have a job interview today for the job of my dreams. Well, maybe not the job of my "dreams", but a pretty rockin job to say the least. I just won $500.00 from a contest of work. (WOOT WOOT). I have been sober for 20 days and have lost about 10 pounds. Eli has also been gone for 20 days. It is weird because this is the longest we have ever been apart in 7 years. I definitly miss him, but its interesting to have a feeling of independence for the first time in so long. It actually feels great. Not because I like him being gone (i don't), but because It has given me the chance to see the world thru different eyes. It seems like for years I have been asking for things to happen in my life not because i actually wanted them to happen but because i was despereate for any change. What I really needed was to stop grasping at ideas and just let my life take its natural course. I really feel like my life is going in a positive direction and its exiting not to know what will happen, but to be open to anything and eveything, but nothing in particular.

casey79 @ 2008-03-18T10:03:00

2008-03-18T17:15:21Z

Pacific Coast Highway

I'm going to be driving down this on my way to my new apartment very soon. Does anyone in LA want to give me a job??

Time to switch Pandora back to the SoCa Emo!!! Thank god this is happening soon. :)